iGirl: Do Androids Dream of Electric Hos?

Every once in a while, an app comes along that you must have, regardless of cost, consequences, or the inescapable blow to your ego and sense of self-respect.

It might not be a terribly useful app. It might not be very fun, overly well designed, or have too many features. But, dammit, you have to have it. Now.

iGirl, by Resistor Productions, is that app.


[Video Review by HAL9000.]

Hey, good-lookin', wanna go see Tron?

It is what can only be described as a "virtual girlfriend" or "digital eye candy, circa 1997." And none of this is bad.

You can change her location and dress into four different styles (including bikini). You can choose her hair color and ethnicity. You can elicit noises when you poke her. Or you can push a button and make her dance.

Dubya. Oh. Dubya.

The controls are pretty cool, allowing you to use standard gestures to rotate the camera around her, zoom in and out, and pedestal up and down your woman's hot bod.

I would like a "tilt up" option, but--then again--I'm an unadulterated pervert.

It's a deliciously stupid app that is very, very, very fun.

Now, the obligatory laundry list of problems:

• Load Time - It takes a while to start up, and again after every alteration to your girl's settings.  However, it's nothing to whine too loudly about.


• Voice - Her voice is often cloyingly underacted (which adds to the charm). Perhaps we could have customizable voices in the future?


• Soundbites - She doesn't say much. A few soundbites tailored to where you poke her would be nice.  (I am a dirty dirty man.) [Agreed. -ed.]


• Customizable Looks - What about all my homies who like meat on their women? And the "Asian" and other ethnicities are little more than different skin tones on your standard barbie figure.


• In bikini mode....Well, there is no good way to say this: the girl looks like she might have junk. Packing heat. A wang.

They must have the gravity turned up at the pool.

The app doesn't do much, but that is part of its charm. I talked to the developer, though, and they assure me that the first version was mostly to see if Apple would "Pass" it. They intend to add-to and improved the app over time (it is, after all, less than a month old). So, here are a few suggestions:

• Stripper Mode.


• Multiple girl mode - Maybe a buddy and I can get our girls together for a "girls night out" (or in). [Ooo, ooo! Slumber party! -ed.]


• And finally, the greatest thing ever (suggested to me by Zwaloo) - A sync feature with other apps where the more weight you lose in a weight tracking program, or the more money you make in a personal finance tracker, the more agreeable and scantily clad the girl becomes.

iGirl is insane, but it is hilarious and fun. Am I an absolute pig for all the things I have written? If it were a real girl, or even a realistic approximation, maybe. But it's an OBVIOUSLY CHEESY, 90'S-era CG CARTOON WOMAN, which makes the sexuality more hilarious than titillating.

Is she "African", or did she fall asleep in the tanning bed?

Though, I am sure that won't stop iPhone geeks from doing their creepy, basement-dwelling thing.

Which brings me to my open call to iTunes.

Dear iTunes,
Please let these guys go crazy. Nudity, provocative dancing, naughty soundbites; it can bring nothing but good into the world. I know you have an anti-pornography policy, but... COME ON! THIS IS HILARIOUS AND DESERVES TO BE EXPLORED!!

Sincerely,
A concerned citizen.

Stay tuned to this $0.99 app. If you've got the spare cash, it's worth it. If you don't, just wait a while. The possibilities are endless.

Update: The developer has sent along this note:

iGirl is basic right now because we didn't know if Apple would even approve it all.  in 2 weeks iGirl will do about 3-4x more!"

And now, gratuitous pictures:

[gallery columns="4"]

Comments

[squarerhino]

really, once I saw this I had to get it!

[Zwaloo]

I don't want to play any cards too early, but I had two iPhones with this app running side by side and was shooting them for soon-to-be-revealed nefarious purposes. I looked up, and 20 minutes had blown by.

[Stephanie Welch]

She works perfect for me and seems to say whatever I wish, when I wish. This "girlfriend" of mine made a table of drunks quiet on Saturday. Something MY boyfriend could never get me to do.

[HAL9000]

The iGirl has many uses, but let's not neglect her talents and her ability to outperform men in many respects. If only virtual girlfriends could finally attain equal wages for equal work.

[Bobby]

Looks like a lot of folks out there have the reason to by iPhones now

[squarerhino]

I just can't wait for the update!

[Peter]

I like this review - you guys rock! keep it up

[squarerhino]

Apple must be holding out on the new update.......

[iFap]

awesome review, but... why screw around touching the dolls if you can't touch yourself at the same time? you have to use two fingers for all the panning/zooming, which means another hand to support the phone. that leaves no hands for the most important task.

my suggestion: just download some actual 3D porn in safari at http://iphonehentai.com or http://ifap.to

[Elvis Smith]

I like Ho's but this App blows...and not in a good way.
It's the worst. Minimal interaction, graphics worse than a NPC in any C grade 3D adventure on the ZX Spectrum. Bascially a scam based on the multitude of teens gagging for a bit o lovin'.
They deserve much better!

[iPhone Butts drive me nuts]

This is entertaining, but definitely in the goofy 90's way. Not that poorly-rendered 3D chicks aren't fap worthy when in a tight spot.
Have you seen that jailbroken app Ufook.me? That's pretty bad ass, as it's an actual girl that you can control like this.
I would agree with the ifap dude that there's much better ways to use the iPhone for naughty purposes.
I'd check out http://pureiporn.com they have a ton of free videos. But that's just me.
I"m excited to see what updates iGirl comes out with.

[Brian]

Hey - can we get some evolver support??? How about designing and customizing your own avatar, dressing her in your preferred outfit, and then watching her do her stuff????

Take a look at some of the avatars people have designed at www.evolver.com: http://www.evolver.com/gallery/

[polygrafix]

If you guys like that game, your gonna LOVE our game.
We have a random girl generator that makes each one look unique every time you start a new girlfriend.
over 1500 lines of dialog- (interesting and humorous)
Interact with the girl through various methods.
Check out our facebook fan page for recent screenshots.
http://appo.me/3zqyw