TapCritic – Honest iPhone and iPod Touch App Reviews

Every once in a while, an app comes along that you must have, regardless of cost, consequences, or the inescapable blow to your ego and sense of self-respect.

It might not be a terribly useful app. It might not be very fun, overly well designed, or have too many features. But, dammit, you have to have it. Now.

iGirl, by Resistor Productions, is that app.

[Video Review by HAL9000.]

It is what can only be described as a “virtual girlfriend” or “digital eye candy, circa 1997.” And none of this is bad.

You can change her location and dress into four different styles (including bikini). You can choose her hair color and ethnicity. You can elicit noises when you poke her. Or you can push a button and make her dance.

Dubya. Oh. Dubya.

The controls are pretty cool, allowing you to use standard gestures to rotate the camera around her, zoom in and out, and pedestal up and down your woman’s hot bod.

I would like a “tilt up” option, but–then again–I’m an unadulterated pervert.

It’s a deliciously stupid app that is very, very, very fun.

Now, the obligatory laundry list of problems:

• Load Time – It takes a while to start up, and again after every alteration to your girl’s settings.  However, it’s nothing to whine too loudly about.
• Voice – Her voice is often cloyingly underacted (which adds to the charm). Perhaps we could have customizable voices in the future?
• Soundbites – She doesn’t say much. A few soundbites tailored to where you poke her would be nice.  (I am a dirty dirty man.) [Agreed. -ed.]
• Customizable Looks – What about all my homies who like meat on their women? And the “Asian” and other ethnicities are little more than different skin tones on your standard barbie figure.
• In bikini mode….Well, there is no good way to say this: the girl looks like she might have junk. Packing heat. A wang.

The app doesn’t do much, but that is part of its charm. I talked to the developer, though, and they assure me that the first version was mostly to see if Apple would “Pass” it. They intend to add-to and improved the app over time (it is, after all, less than a month old). So, here are a few suggestions:

• Stripper Mode.
• Multiple girl mode – Maybe a buddy and I can get our girls together for a “girls night out” (or in). [Ooo, ooo! Slumber party! -ed.]
• And finally, the greatest thing ever (suggested to me by Zwaloo) – A sync feature with other apps where the more weight you lose in a weight tracking program, or the more money you make in a personal finance tracker, the more agreeable and scantily clad the girl becomes.

iGirl is insane, but it is hilarious and fun. Am I an absolute pig for all the things I have written? If it were a real girl, or even a realistic approximation, maybe. But it’s an OBVIOUSLY CHEESY, 90′S-era CG CARTOON WOMAN, which makes the sexuality more hilarious than titillating.

Though, I am sure that won’t stop iPhone geeks from doing their creepy, basement-dwelling thing.

Which brings me to my open call to iTunes.

Dear iTunes,
Please let these guys go crazy. Nudity, provocative dancing, naughty soundbites; it can bring nothing but good into the world. I know you have an anti-pornography policy, but… COME ON! THIS IS HILARIOUS AND DESERVES TO BE EXPLORED!!

Sincerely,
A concerned citizen.

Stay tuned to this $0.99 app. If you’ve got the spare cash, it’s worth it. If you don’t, just wait a while. The possibilities are endless.

Update: The developer has sent along this note:

iGirl is basic right now because we didn’t know if Apple would even approve it all.  in 2 weeks iGirl will do about 3-4x more!”

And now, gratuitous pictures:

Related posts:

1. iGirl is Ready for Round 2: Can you keep up?
2. iGirl Developer – A global network of scantily clad virtual women.
3. Pocket Arnold: Pumping up your iPhone and inappropriately touching iGirl
4. New Suicide Girls app Is the definition of lame.
5. BlogPress – A mobile bloggin’ dream.